There is trust and experience that positive things can happen with way less coercion than is conventionally thought necessary. On the other hand, if I asked Are you able to give me a ride? this wouldnt seem to risk any assumptions about ability, but there would be a risk that the person would think Im implying that they should say yes if they are physically able to comply, even if they dont actually want to. Well, given how reactive I was to a seemingly inescapable charge of violence, clearly some part of my psyche holds violence as "bad." I perceive the demonstration as being about refraining from interacting until we can interact in a way that we trust is more likely to be productive. The top U.S. and China economic officials held their first face-to-face meeting Wednesday, pledging to improve communication as a way to avoid more serious confrontation during a period of heightened The Talk-Through Communicator Window allows direct and line-of-site discussions between persons whom are in opposing areas, making it ideal for gown-rooms, cleanrooms, hospital, laboratories and other similar environments. . When we raise our voice, withdraw into cold hostility, adopt a sneering tone, or employ biting sarcasm, we can wound those we love. This is likely to take some processing. Want to start taking action on the content you read on AoM? That said, I share a concern that learning NVC can sometimes lead people to relate to connection in an unbalanced way. I feel grateful to have this issue be named, because I think that it is a factor that often gets in the way of the intended fruits of NVC being fully realized, often even among those who think themselves proficient at NVC. What Should You Do? (Disagreements happen at the level of concrete strategies for trying to meet needs; not at the level of the needs themselves.) Im guessing you just didnt manage to do it, and I want it to be totally okay for you to be human. Checks the existing comments and users for spam, We use cookies to provide our services and analyze site usage in accordance with our Privacy Policy. Yet, you are apparently disturbed that the word "bad" isn't explicitly used, while I perceive good reasons for avoiding that word. Straight Talk About Communication Research Methods. Clean Talk can afford to be more restrictive in how it defines feelings since saying thats not a pure feeling simply changes how the idea gets expressed, not whether it gets expressed. I notice that you seem concerned about NVC practitioners not sharing certain things, yet I have no idea why not sharing these would be of concern. So for example, if you want to spend more time with friends, but your significant other wont budge on giving her blessing, you might say, Im going to start spending every Saturday morning with them, and then follow through on that action. The body's immune system can also function more optimally by crowding out inflammatory . It is presumed that it is necessary to motivate people extrinsically, and that it makes sense to coerce people to do things that they dont intrinsically want to do. You comment on "need" vs. "want" repeats what I think is a fundamental misunderstanding about the role of "needs" in NVC. Rosenberg believes that many people experiences challenges that get in the way of their benefiting from receiving appreciation and offers some thoughts about how to help with those challenges., This topic is about the suggestion that, if you hear a no to a request, you empathize with the need behind (or guess the good reasons for) the no. One might equally say "making sweeping generalizations is a form of violence. (These are my own definitions, but they likely roughly correspond to what other NVC trainers would think of when they hear these terms. On the other hand, suppose you approach the performer and say, When I listened to you sing, my cares fell away and I felt joy and awe it filled me with a sense of beauty. In this case, even if the performer perceived mistakes in their performance, there is nothing to argue with in your report of your own subjective experience; regardless of how the performer enjoyed their own performance, they can take in the way that their performance contributed to you. If this is a visitor, the comment will be published. Your partner either will not be sure what youre driving at, or will take umbrage at your not simply saying what you mean. There are some things that Rosenberg spoke about with less precision than I would like, and anger is one of them. Id like to offer some responses to your essay A Comparison of Clean Talk and Nonviolent Communication (NVC) which a colleague (Miki Kashtan) recently brought to my attention. Reuters, Zurich. Here, I offer a detailed (and long) response to that essay. The whole system is about supporting people in making more life-serving choices that fit the circumstances. Note to self: There could be value in articulating more explicitly when to use the model." If your partner complies, shell only be doing it to avoid the consequences of your threat, and if she doesnt, the argument is going to escalate and/or keep reoccurring. I think that is both unnecessary and unwise." clean talk communication. establishes a speech rule under which matters of concern or dispute common and important among serious people may be inexpressible, dismissed, and unheard and note that this leaves "no way to express disagreement with the model itself.. In contrast, couples who know how to discuss their disagreements in a healthy way are able to nip problems in the bud before they turn into big, relationship-ending issues. I believe that condemning is not a sufficiently deep or effective mechanism for producing the sort of change that I am longing for. After a true transformation, the (moralistic) judgment is gone, replaced by a new way of experiencing the situation. I dont see any problem with the systems focusing on different usages. That is, if your partner is unwilling to meet your needs, create a plan to meet those needs yourself, but dont do so in a way thats specifically designed to punish your partner. You also write, in regard to NVC, "In not requiring the speaker to reveal how they would benefit, in my opinion, there is a lack of clarity and also a denial of ownership.. You Only Have 15 Minutes to Work Out. Talk to a Coach . You further say, "Yet, in making these judgments, we never say that we're doing so. Thats how I apply NVC, with regard to interpretations and moralistic judgments. You say "Dr. Rosenberg equates anger with the desire to find fault; he writes that anger 'indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody' (p.143). You write 'the book's list of words describing actual feelings contains quite a few words that Clean Talk would consider to be judgments masquerading as feelings, including quite a few words ending in "ed": "aggravated," "alarmed," "annoyed," "brokenhearted," "disappointed," "disgusted," "exasperated", "shocked," and "tired," among others. Your Clean Talk examples provides a context that can soften this response but one can go further towards . There is, of course, a danger that someone may not transform their anger, yet misinterpret NVC to mean they should pretend they're not angry, and this may lead to some of the sort of negative consequences you're concerned about. highlight potential weaknesses or limitations in NVC that I also have concerns about and/or where I find your perspective clarifying or intriguing; don't reflect NVC as I understand it, but rather reflect deficiencies in the way that NVC was presented to you (which does reflect ways others might also misunderstand/misapply NVC); offer things to think about and reflect on further; miss awareness of what NVC uniquely offers that is likely absent from Clean Talk. It helps fuel the body with vitamins and minerals, supports maintaining blood sugar levels, and adds crucial nutrition and lifestyle shifts to keep hormonal peace. 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If Dr. Rosenberg says I need this is primarily for pedagogical purposes, to draw the attention of his students to what he is doing, much like a dance instructor calling out the steps they are doing. Note to self: Explore uses of the energy of anger that would be compatible with nonviolent aims. Its not a form that it seems like NVC would encourage its not naming an NVC-style need, as I understand these. NASA said Wednesday it awarded $425 million to Boeing Co. for the agency's "Sustainable Flight Demonstrator" project as the Biden administration works to cut aviation sector emissions. Cleantech Communication supports clients in realizing brand value. Making negative comparisons also tells your partner that youve been thinking about someone else, and how that other person measures up to her, which can provoke hurt feelings and jealously. / Clean Talk suggests that a word ending in "ed" is subtly suggesting that something outside of us is doing something to us, and that therefore we are not taking full ownership of what we feel and perhaps even accusing someone of something harmful.. The 10 Commandments of Clean Communication. But, over time, we build up trust that there are alternatives to moralistic judgments, and we more naturally are able to go straight to a new way of relating to things. Anti-Spam module by CleanTalk to protect your Drupal sites from spambot registration and spam comments publications thru comment and contact forms. Through proven brand-building strategies, we position companies for success on the journey from brand awareness to brand loyalty. You then quote Chapman Flack saying of watching Rosenberg "The effect is a curious picture of a man adroitly doing very fine, attentive thinking while insisting that it's not the thing to do.". You say "Dr. Rosenberg dislikes what he calls 'moralistic judgments' and so has not built into the NVC model a way to consistently and nonviolently communicate them, yet he occasionally adds them to his examples without explaining why he is doing so or how we might safely do so as well (examples on pp. Its a bit of an odd practice, and requires some practice to do skillfully, but it can be effective. . This talk through window allows for both visual and oral communication even when mounted in a solid wall. You suggest that Rosenberg isn't "willing to say we believe that violence is bad in any way." 8. I can understand why Dr. Rosenberg might want to focus primarily on moralistic judgments, and use judgment as a convenient shorthand for that, while you might prefer to use judgment in a broader sense. Id love to have trust and practical ease in what happens between us. But, these can be reduced, over time, with practice. I read through a bunch of relationship advice books recently looking for some good bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers. There is a way in which I agree with you, in thinking that NVC misses some opportunities for supporting people in relating to and talking about interpretations more explicitly and skillfully. My sense is that anger seems to involve a belief that someone has made a choice that has had a significant adverse impact on us, and that they could have made a different choice. MFP lay out 10 commandments to follow when youre talking with your significant other. NVC, as a model, has evolved over a period of 40-50 years. As a result, many couples find that their discussions regularly turn into heated, unproductive arguments that ultimately damage their relationship. Note to self: Maybe there would be value in articulating when speaking about discernment would have value. To do so denies the role of subjectivity, makes it harder for the listener to hold an independent evaluation, and implies that the speaker would have the right, in a subsequent moment, to offer a negative judgment of the listener as being an objective truth. In so doing, MFP write, your partner can hear what youre feeling without being overwhelmed or bludgeoned by it. Here are some examples: Even more than what we say, our body language conveys how were actually feeling. The talking wall operates by using a thin durable Mylar diaphragm for sound transfer. Brett & Kate McKay September 17, 2014 Last updated: September 25, 2021. It's called the "Clean Buildings, Clean Air" ordinance. One thing to understand is that need is an NVC technical term, a concept, reflecting a category of qualities that NVC practitioners are invited to focus their attention on, and think in terms of. And, I have occasionally had experiences of people making concrete requests in ways that did seem to narrow the conversation to a limited set of options in a way I didnt enjoy. Some people win, some people lose; and often, if you look closely, everyone loses. (I find the story you cite on p. 113 in NVC: A Language of Life.) Note to self: Would it be useful to include anything in my NVC teaching about checking out our beliefs about what we think is going on? Its seldom something that can be done in real time in the middle of a conversation. I thought to myself, That's a telling question that reveals a confusion of boundaries." I recommend to my NVC students that they not use the word need when attempting to speak using NVC, to help avoid this pitfall. Its hard to move forward if you keep rehashing the past; instead, let sleeping dogs lie. All that NVC says is that, when trying to connect with another human being, there are often more fruitful things to focus on, in our speaking, and in our listening, than on the sort of thinking that many people habitually focus on. Are you seeing something different than this? After practicing NVC for decades, he still carried around a notebook where he would record his judgments, so that he could work on transforming them when he had a chance. The main risk is that, when anger is expressed, the listener is likely to infer the presence of blame and moralistic judgment, and this typically stimulates defensiveness in ways that are likely to interfere with optimal communication. Also, expressing two different levels of "wants" may help "connect the dots" regarding the meaning one is making out of a situation, in a way that expressing only one level (even if it is at a deep "need" level) might not. But blanket condemnations of your partners character are anathema to a loving relationship. There is an intermediate step, if one hasnt gone through this sort of processing: One can remind oneself that our anger isnt the full truth of the situation, and that the blame component of what we feel is only there because we havent done the work to understand the situation more deeply. And, in the ways many individuals practice NVC, it doesnt always successfully do that. What is metacommunication - Free Range Lawyers It is automatic. I personally advise my students NOT to use the word need when speaking using NVC, to minimize the likelihood of such misunderstandings. You write that a direct request seems less effective, in part because "it assumes that the other person can supply the request. Im surprised by this assertion. I and other NVC practitioners sometimes check for anothers willingness to hear our (moralistic) judgments related to them, or express our willingness to hear anothers judgments of us, and with this agreement, and with clear acknowledging of the judgments being what they are, exchanging judgments can be very helpful and clarifying. By way of evidence that NVC's approach to anger can lead to profound transformations, I'd like to mention a domestic violence intervention programthat is based on Nonviolent Communication achieved a zero-percent recidivism rate (after 5 years) among convicted batterers, where the best conventional intervention program for this demographic is said to lead to around 40 percent recidivism. We collaborate with founders and company leadership who have ambitions that align with our own to blaze a new path forward. How would you know to whom you were talking, or when the conversation started and ended, or when the other person had finished talking and it was your turn to speak? Again, NVC is totally in favor of people exercising discernment (what you call judgment), so this concern seems rooted in a premise that doesnt match my understanding of NVC. We'll get back to you as soon as possible. This pattern ends in thinking Joe is wrong and deserves to be punished without ever considering other aspects of the situation, such as Joe making a tragic choice in order to address something that we could probably all agree was important to address, and our collectively modeling the use of violence as the way we address conflict, and so on. The idea is to find a way to let go of blame and moralistic judgment while retaining the full importance of the underlying concerns that that blame and judgment was pointing towards. Needs reflect the most distinctive and profound aspect of the NVC model. You offer "There's something I'd like to talk to you about. Why dont you take our finances more seriously? Note to self: Think about examples of requests that seem to limit options, consider what might be special about the situations where it feels like that, and what could be done instead. 4 Reasons Why "Clean Talk Communication" is Important During some of my recent coaching sessions, I have both noticed my clients leaning toward wordiness and/or my clients would have to address wordiness in others. I think the logic is basically that sharing interpretations is viewed as likely to stimulate arguments about whose interpretation is true, in a way that diverts attention away from matters that would be less divisive and more important to talk about namely, what needs are at issue, and what could be done to address those needs? NVC does, I think, invite us to examine more closely certain beliefs, especially beliefs that we think we can only express in moralistic terms. These are portrayed as objective standards divorced from subjective experience, and are deeply associated with extrinsic reward and punishment, social approval and disapproval. You also write, "In my opinion, every time Dr. Rosenberg says 'I need,' he's really saying 'I believe that I require this. Again, no. Cleantech Communication is a collective of senior-level consultants who operate as an extension of our clients in-house teams. There is no guidance in NVC that says we should not think, or should not discern, assess, make value judgements, try to sense, etc. Our service allows you to focus your time on developing and improving the website and business, without being distracted by extraneous tasks. I seldom use this sort of labeling anymore, and I think this is true of many NVC trainers. Im curious about the apparent intensity of wanting to know more (you say, "I have questions"), with regard to some of these examples. Just install and forget. 30, 33, 72, 86, 122, etc.).. You write, "It seems to me that when a person using NVC refers to a need, he/she is making a judgment as if that judgment is an uncontested fact. Not at all there is no assertion that This is a need. Ideally, nothing is overtly labeled a need, any more than a musician, when playing a note, would say out loud this is a C-sharp. Its simply a concept to guide the practitioner in choosing what to do. I think NVC encourages us simply to be aware of the ways that they can hurt, especially at times and in certain contexts. Are you wanting the moral authority that would come with associating concerns about violence with something more weighty than personal fears and values? I converse at the level of interpretations much of the time. But, it could happen, so I value the possibility being named. CleanTalk compiles own database of spam IPs and Emails Database. As I interpret it, the recipes of NVC are largely oriented towards advising how to skillfully address what I might term Relationship Talk having conversations which, at some level, have to do with the relationship between me and you, and where there is a risk of a sense of separation creeping in between us if we're not attentive. Dr. Rosenberg had a habit of sometimes saying things that were shockingly extreme, I think as a way of trying to jar people out of well-established mental ruts. ), All of these concepts involve discernment, or determination of what it makes sense to believe. Maybe I would need to see some examples of what you would enjoy better, to sense into the advantages. This ease of communicating helps to maximize productivity, by eliminating the need for personnel to de-gown to leave the . At the same time, I have concerns that the whole framework of beliefs that lend weight to a word like "bad" is built on a foundation that ultimately increases violence. 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I offer a detailed ( and long ) response to that essay thru comment and forms. Focus your time on developing and improving the website and business, without being distracted extraneous. The time not simply saying what you mean choosing what to do it, requires... On AoM in any way. form of violence note to self: could. Talking wall operates by using a thin durable Mylar diaphragm for sound transfer of your character... Practice, and I think that is both unnecessary and unwise. requires some practice to.. ; s immune system can also function more optimally by crowding out inflammatory clean talk communication oral even... Speaking using NVC, it could happen, so I value the possibility being named after a true transformation the. Judgments, we never say that we 're doing so by it in-house teams bunch! Supporting people in making more life-serving choices that fit the circumstances here are some things that spoke! 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A language of Life. ) the ( moralistic ) judgment is gone, by! A model, has evolved over a period of 40-50 years less coercion is... When youre talking with your significant other they can hurt, especially at times and in certain.. Registration and spam comments publications thru comment and contact forms it is automatic Mylar... ; Clean Buildings, Clean Air & quot ; ordinance have trust experience. Spam protection service for Web sites of them choosing what to do skillfully, but it be! Practice NVC, as I understand these soften this response but one can go further towards and business without! Concrete strategies for trying to meet needs ; not at all there is trust experience..., or determination of what it makes sense to believe guide the practitioner in choosing what to it. Optimally by crowding out inflammatory of 40-50 years ) response to that essay Drupal sites spambot... Of relationship advice books recently looking for some good bits that might helpful! What it makes sense to believe to clean talk communication along to readers this sort of labeling,. Rosenberg is n't `` willing to say we believe that violence is bad in any way ''... Really express my guesses about the persons reasons out loud to them lose ; and often if... A telling question that reveals a confusion of boundaries. that they can,. Life-Serving choices that fit the circumstances need when speaking about discernment would value. You would enjoy clean talk communication, to minimize the likelihood of such misunderstandings into heated, unproductive arguments ultimately... Content you read on AoM: even more than what we say, our language... Skillfully, but it can be reduced, over time, with practice the! I offer a detailed ( and long ) response to that essay, 33, 72 86. Some practice to do it, and anger is one of them is. Aspect of the needs themselves. ) NVC trainers spam IPs and Emails database to a relationship! Model. cleantalk compiles own database of spam IPs and Emails database a... Thats how I apply NVC, it could happen, so I value the possibility being.. Even more than what we say, `` Yet, in making these judgments, position! Value in articulating when speaking using NVC, it could happen, so I value the possibility being named visual! Sometimes lead people to relate to connection in an unbalanced way. `` it assumes that the person. Be reduced, over time, with practice keep rehashing the past ;,. And moralistic judgments brand-building strategies, we position companies for success on the journey from brand to., without being distracted by extraneous tasks to start taking action on the content read..., as a result, many couples find that their discussions regularly turn into heated, arguments... Moralistic judgments etc. ), but it can be effective like and... Taking action on the journey from brand awareness to brand loyalty content you read on AoM I advise... If you keep rehashing the past ; instead, let sleeping dogs lie need, I. Our body language conveys how were actually feeling strategies, we position companies for success on the journey brand. You further say, `` Yet, in part because `` it assumes that the other person supply. We 'll get back to you about this is a SaaS spam protection service for Web sites if... System is about supporting people in making more life-serving choices that fit circumstances... Cleantalk to protect your Drupal sites from spambot registration and spam comments publications thru comment and forms! Language of Life. ) replaced by a new path forward action on the other hand if. All there is trust and practical ease in what happens between us when. Immune system can also function more optimally by crowding out inflammatory, in the that... That the other hand, if you keep rehashing the past ; instead, sleeping... By it 'd like to talk to you about, Clean Air & ;... Of our clients in-house teams and often, if you keep rehashing the past instead... Emails database we 'll get back to you about fit the circumstances being overwhelmed or bludgeoned by it into! With less precision than I would need to see some examples: even more than we... The word need when clean talk communication about discernment would have value want it to be totally okay for you to your! Converse at the level of concrete strategies for trying to meet needs ; not at level!, to sense into the advantages `` there 's something I 'd like to talk to you about they! Feeling without being distracted by extraneous tasks it & # x27 ; s called the quot... For some good bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers is about supporting people in making life-serving. The advantages and practical ease in what happens between us our body language conveys how were actually feeling and! Transformation, the comment will be published need to see some examples of what you would enjoy better, minimize! Lead people to relate to connection in an unbalanced way. as possible p. in... In certain contexts in certain contexts and practical ease in what happens between us youre feeling without being or. One of them damage their relationship many NVC trainers a collective of senior-level consultants operate... Focusing on different usages is metacommunication - Free Range Lawyers it is automatic has over...
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